I can vaguely remember my own pregnancy after loss (PAL) experience. Vaguely because perhaps some things are too hard to remember too closely. And because I also had a lot of support during and after my PAL. It was a time of radical self-care. Something I’m not very good. I’m one of the many therapists out there that enjoy my job because I get to help others. That doesn’t mean I was good of taking care of myself to begin with. Like the vast majority of my clients, it’s a skill I’ve needed to learn and practice, and continue to work at over the years.
A friend once asked me where I went when I was pregnant after my loss. I probably looked at her a bit oddly at first, as the question threw me off. Go somewhere? You mean, as in leave my house? Unless absolutely necessary, like for work for food? And go somewhere specific to support me during my pregnancy? Yeah, that didn’t happen. I wasn’t about to step foot in a prenatal yoga class where the instructor might ask us how many times we have been pregnant, how many children we have, or ask us to share about how we were doing. I certainly didn’t want to listen to any moms complain about their hemorrhoids or heart burn because they had no f**&% clue how lucky they were to even be pregnant. Heart burn?! Ha! Try holding your baby in your arms while she dies. Or try birthing your baby who died in utero. Or try being pregnant for the fifth time hoping and praying you don’t have another miscarriage… The possibilities are endless, and you’re complaining about not sleeping at night?! Yeah, no. I wasn’t going anywhere!
And, I longed for a place to belong. A place with other “medusas” where we could let it all hang out without fear of scaring someone else or being shamed into silence. A place where I could be real – with all of my feelings…the hope, joy and love and the absolute terror and fear that was lurking around every corner and between each appointment as I anxiously awaited to hear my baby’s heart beat again. I wanted a place to belong, a place to feel normal in my “craziness.” Such a place did not exist during my pregnancy after a loss. My refuge was seeing my individual therapist every.single.week, until the day my daughter was born (yup, I saw my therapist the morning before my daughter was born). My therapist walked with me every step of the way.
And now. It is my deepest honor and privilege to create and offer a time and space for other babyloss mamas to join together in community and support, in our fears and hopes, in our nightmares and dreams because it would be nice to get out of the house, and to land in a safe space, and to have in-person support for our PAL journey. I hope you’ll join this group. And I see and honor your fears in even signing up. It is a courageous step to register. And whether or not you join this circle, you are a brave and fierce mama. You are doing an amazing job. And all of your babies – they are lucky to have you as their mother.
Much love mamas,
Shelly
